While I do love me some postings about shoes and the like, the reality is that my thoughts have been annoyingly preoccupied with the not so small, but rather very consuming, topic of...
Kids. Gah - even typing the word makes me a little nervous.
I have always wanted kids. Have desired to be a mom since I was old enough to a hold a doll (I even spent my 7-year-old allowance on real baby dipers for them). I have honestly admitted, "I want to be a mom", to the question of: "What do you want to do (fill in the blank) ...when you get older? ....with your degree? ...with your life?" I watch a baby story daily, light up when I spend time with kids and know what a 'Bumbo' is without having a clue about pregnancy.
I am now madly in love with and happily married to a man who also wants kids. We have one little house, two little incomes, and countless reasons why a baby would fit happily into our lives.
Can someone please tell me why then, I am all of a sudden scared to death of the aforementioned subject? Why it has consumed me and every other conversation I have with my poor husband?
Although we have never wanted a "plan" per say, there still has to be some sort of "no plan" that we commit to in order to ...let's just see what happens. In our minds, the "no plan" is planned to happen in the next year or so. Hmm, follow me?
There are several things that excite me to no end and also some that seem to scare me right out of the "no plan" timeline.
Some of these things include: Will we make "friends with kids" friends?, can we ever go out again?, will our "friends with no kids" friends still like us?, will I hate having to share the time I get with my husband? will this really be fun - forever? Can I still have wine every night? Oh, and can someone please answer Chris's burning question: WILL HE BE ABLE TO RIDE HIS MOUNTAIN BIKE AFTER WORK?
I guess what I am having trouble recognizing the most is if these feelings are telling me that we. are. not. ready. or rather that we'll never be "ready" and to embrace this new (potential) chapter in our lives.
We hear that we should wait. We hear that we shouldn't. We hear we should have more money - kids are expensive. We hear things work themselves out. We hear that we need to take time for ourselves, for our marriage. We hear that too much growth and you become fiercely independent. We hear that kids change things. For the best and for the not-so-much-the-best. We hear that we are so young. We hear that we would make great parents. We scare some, excite others.
We have heard and truly listen to all ends of the spectrum and ultimately we know that no one can make the decision except for ourselves. This is proving to be the hard part. Daily, we change our minds about where we should go from here. We are also fully aware that when we do decide, we may not be blessed to have it all work out as we had hoped - which is so scary in itself.
I would really love and appreciate your thoughts on the subject, as I am driving myself nuts with my own. I wish I could just appreciate the moment we are at without looking towards the future. Then again, the future is just too exciting and scary not to peek...