While I do love me some postings about shoes and the like, the reality is that my thoughts have been annoyingly preoccupied with the not so small, but rather very consuming, topic of...
Kids. Gah - even typing the word makes me a little nervous.
I have always wanted kids. Have desired to be a mom since I was old enough to a hold a doll (I even spent my 7-year-old allowance on real baby dipers for them). I have honestly admitted, "I want to be a mom", to the question of: "What do you want to do (fill in the blank) ...when you get older? ....with your degree? ...with your life?" I watch a baby story daily, light up when I spend time with kids and know what a 'Bumbo' is without having a clue about pregnancy.
I am now madly in love with and happily married to a man who also wants kids. We have one little house, two little incomes, and countless reasons why a baby would fit happily into our lives.
Can someone please tell me why then, I am all of a sudden scared to death of the aforementioned subject? Why it has consumed me and every other conversation I have with my poor husband?
Although we have never wanted a "plan" per say, there still has to be some sort of "no plan" that we commit to in order to ...let's just see what happens. In our minds, the "no plan" is planned to happen in the next year or so. Hmm, follow me?
There are several things that excite me to no end and also some that seem to scare me right out of the "no plan" timeline.
Some of these things include: Will we make "friends with kids" friends?, can we ever go out again?, will our "friends with no kids" friends still like us?, will I hate having to share the time I get with my husband? will this really be fun - forever? Can I still have wine every night? Oh, and can someone please answer Chris's burning question: WILL HE BE ABLE TO RIDE HIS MOUNTAIN BIKE AFTER WORK?
I guess what I am having trouble recognizing the most is if these feelings are telling me that we. are. not. ready. or rather that we'll never be "ready" and to embrace this new (potential) chapter in our lives.
We hear that we should wait. We hear that we shouldn't. We hear we should have more money - kids are expensive. We hear things work themselves out. We hear that we need to take time for ourselves, for our marriage. We hear that too much growth and you become fiercely independent. We hear that kids change things. For the best and for the not-so-much-the-best. We hear that we are so young. We hear that we would make great parents. We scare some, excite others.
We have heard and truly listen to all ends of the spectrum and ultimately we know that no one can make the decision except for ourselves. This is proving to be the hard part. Daily, we change our minds about where we should go from here. We are also fully aware that when we do decide, we may not be blessed to have it all work out as we had hoped - which is so scary in itself.
I would really love and appreciate your thoughts on the subject, as I am driving myself nuts with my own. I wish I could just appreciate the moment we are at without looking towards the future. Then again, the future is just too exciting and scary not to peek...
5 comments:
Well, I don't know if I'm the best person to weigh in on this issue since I am no where near having kids or getting married. But I am a big believer in having faith that when the timing is right you will know it. For some people they know ahead of time and for others, they know the day the baby is born. But either way, you have to just have faith that the Lord will provide and he will give you a peace about it. I truely believe that and I'm sure when the timing is right, you will know.
I'm very squarely in the "it will work itself out" camp, seeing as I um, ahem, (sorry perfect strangers reading Tiff's blog) got pregnant the first time I had sex, and here Alex and I are, 11 years and one more kid later, happy as clams. :) I actually am really glad that happened, because I was very career minded and didn't plan on having kids until my late 20's, and when I had my second it was after struggling through 2.5 years of secondary infertility. If I'd waited too long, there would have been a good chance I couldn't have had kids at all.
I say go for it! You are probably as ready as you'll ever be, honestly. I totally agree with you that there is a confusing dichotomy in the range of advice out there, but if you want a baby, you should have one!
And yes, Chris, you can ride your bike. Probably not every day, but once or twice a week should work out, as long as Tiff is getting some time out of the house too. ;)
I think I can weigh in on this subject. Someone told me that we would never be "ready" to take the plunge and have kids. The truth is you will always want to make more money, you will always want a bigger house and you will always want to be selfish with your time and money. I know you would be a great mother and I am sure Chris will be a great father.
We are very young and we have a 2 year old and it is the most amazing experience of my whole life. He is a wonderful kid and I love him more than I ever thought I could. Truth is we still have all of our same friends. Even the ones with out kids and we have made some really great friends that do have kids that we would have probably never met. We started bringing Hudson along with us and everyone loves him. We have the grandparents or a babysitter stay with him when we need a night out or we have an event to go to. We take turns doing girls night, guys night and weekends away. Your life will never be the same when you have a child but you won't want it to be. You won't be able to imagine life before. I still think you should follow your heart but just know that you and Chris won't lose your identities if you put time and effort in to your marriage, your family and yourself.
Follow your heart (tell your brain to be quiet) and be willing to take a leap of faith because that is what life is all about. Email me if you need more encouragement.
You sure have a lot on your brain! It's a big step for your marriage, starting a family. I was ready to have babies way before Russ and I were married. I have had a family plan since we met (I am already behind schedule by the way). Russ was the one with the more sensible (financial) plan.
We had everything lined up (for Russ to be ready and not freak out), so we decided to start trying. Seven months later I was seven months pregnant and loosing my job!
Yes it was stressful! We were thinking that we would have to move to an apartment so that we could survive on my dairy queen salary. Luckily I got a job three weeks before my leave started.
The point is, as someone else wrote, you can never be fully ready. Life happens. What got us through was our love for each other and our faith in God that everything would work out. It also helped knowing that a beautiful little baby was already on the way.
What surprised me the most is how closer Russ and I have been since Tyler was born. It's so true that when you have a baby your love is multiplied, not divided. Seeing him as a father is the most amazing experience.
Good luck with your decision. I hope you find peace soon :)
Tiff-It is a scary step, but totally worth it! I don't think you can ever be fully prepared- no matter how much advice you get, classes you take, money you save, space you make... to have a baby. You do as much as you can and the rest will work out how it should. You will experience the joys and hardships for yourself, in whatever you decide.
Good luck!
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