Dissapointed

This is how I feel about myself this morning.

Do you ever feel like you are given an opportunities throughout your day where you faced with having to make either the "right" or "wrong" decision? I do, and while most of the times the answers are clear and easy, sometimes they are blurry and ambiguous....like this morning.

I walked into Starbucks to get my, so not necessary but oh so yummy, morning latte. I was third in line. Three more people came in behind me. I was happy to have beat them in because I was running late.

The man in the very front was ordering his drink. The man directly in front of me was looking into the glass food case and mumbling and cursing, loudly, to himself while tapping on the glass pointing to various items.

I felt annoyed because I could tell that he was going to make me even later than I already was. I then I looked at his clothes. Ragged but not filthy. He was clutching a plastic grocery bag as if all of his prized possessions were inside. I saw a comb and one glove and expected to see a liquor bottle. I didn't. His face was unshaven and his hair greasy, but he didn't necessarily stink. He continued to mumble and curse loudly, people were now staring. He didn't seem drunk, but disturbed.

He was next up. The Barista faked a smile and asked "Can I get you something Sir?" like he was a functioning member of society. When really I'm sure she felt like, "Oh, why me?" Everyone looked at her, looked at him and back at her wondering where this little episode was going. I automatically thought he would slur some words, maybe throw out a cuss word and then walk out, frustrated, and we would all move on with our day.

Instead, I was shocked when he stood up straight, mustered up the courage to pull himself together, pull in his thoughts and try to get out his words smoothly. "I'd like t, t, two Apple Fritters please. And I'd like them from here. Because I'm going to st...stay." The Barista, "Okay, you mean, for here? Two Apple Fritters for here and anything to drink to with that?" The man, "Yes....a small "Chi-Ie" aka Chai Tea." The Barista, "Okay, a small Chai Tea. Your total will be $6.92."

By this point, I have ordered my drink with the other Barista and the man and I are at the counter together ready to pay. My thoughts raced for a second in a fashion like this,
"Okay, how is he going to pay for that when it doesn't even look like he has a dime?
Should I get ready to pay for him so he's not embarrassed?
No. Why should I have to pay for him? We work for our money. And, I don't have $6 bucks.
Well, yes I do, but Chris would be annoyed if I paid for the homeless man. And Emily always said that hand outs to homeless people are just like throwing money away, instead you should give to charities.
But...I want to help him. I feel bad for him.
No, Tiffany, you are not going to pay.
Yes, you are."

My Barista says, "Mam, $2.70 please." I slide over my gift card meanwhile staring at the homeless man next to me as he clearly struggles. His two Apple Fritters "from here" sitting on the counter, his drink steaming from the lid. He searches his pockets, he searches his plastic bag. Nothing. Not a penny. He looks at me. He looks at my gift card. He tells the Barista, "I, I think I left my money. I think I left it at home. I'm, sorry. I left it at home." Everyone sighs, looks at their watches and rolls their eyes, completely aware that this man clearly has no. home. The Barista looks nervous too, not knowing how to turn him away and anxious that she is in this position.

I took a breath and got ready to hand over my gift card to the Barista to pay for the man's meal, to ease the tension between the customer behind him and the Barista in front of him. I smiled at him. I felt content that I was going to lend this man a hand. But,

I didn't. Instead, I put my card back in my wallet, looked at my receipt with $7 left on the card, took my drink and walked out.

I left the man there, deeply struggling and embarassed. And I'm disappointed. My latte isn't even that good and I know that this morning, I made the wrong decision.