I have just realized that up until now, I have not really worried about our baby's health.
Yes, I worried at the beginning when they asked me to come in for an ultrasound because of my blood work. And yes, I worry daily about doing all that I can during pregnancy to deliver the healthiest baby possible. And of course I worry that our child will be 100% healthy from now until she dies. You know, the built-in worries that come with the territory.
BUT these feelings of worry have not even touched the worry that I am having now. The kind that makes you lie awake at night and the kind that doesn't even make ice cream taste good. The worst kind. That one piece of news in our otherwise excitement-filled ultrasound, has sent me into a tailspin.
I wanted to post about something different today, but I would be lying if I told you that I was thinking about anything else at the moment.
I have been researching 'Isolated Echogenic Foci' since the moment we heard the news about the possible soft marker for Downs Syndrome on little one's heart. I have searched every possible site and combination of words and have even read all the stuff on pages '4, 5 and 6' of Google search (I mean, really, who goes past 1 or 2?)
Does anyone else feel as though the internet can be a blessing a curse?
I feel as if I could write an entire book about Echogenic Foci and it's results, where as 4 days ago I had never even heard of the term. The abundance of information is nice, but it's that same abundance that makes me even crazier. Each story, discussion, medical journal, etc. gives conflicting information. Some overwhelming positive in our favor of a healthy baby and others not so much.
I know in my heart that no amount of medical research (good or bad) can ease my mind until I am holding our little girl in my arms so I wish that I could just STOP the insanity now. We will love her with or without any abnormality; I suppose it's just fear of the unknown that scares me the most.
And yes, now would be the perfect time to put things into God's hands completely. Why is this always so much easier said than done?
Anyways, I am excited to get back to searching the internet for stroller reviews, crib bedding and the like rather than medical journals and articles for statistics. What an awful feeling.
Until tomorrow...
3 comments:
Oh Tiff, I can totally relate! You have every right to worry and research, but just like you said- you will LOVE that baby no matter what. Put your mind to rest- until you have a little one, with a specific diagnosis to research. You can research "what-if's" til the end of time. Just put it on the back burner.
Get back to shopping for bows, leg warmers, strollers, etc. :) Prayers are with you!
I think your concern and extensive page 6 and 7 of google research is completely valid. Coming from someone who has had everything from...about 32 pregnancies to chron's disease and a brain tumor thanks to the Internet...(never had any of those things or anything in between)...I get it. The Internet can do more harm than good. Maybe now is the time to pretend you're pregnant in the 80s...look through parenting and baby magazines and dream of all the wonderful things that are to come. Eff the Internet and its scariness.
This is the downside to motherhood, you worry about everything. I was convinced a few weeks ago that Jimmy had a speech delay thanks to google. When I brought it up to his pediatrician, the dr pretty much laughed at me and told me to get off the computer. I am sorry you are going through this, I know how awful it is. But I think everyone is right, you need to stop googling! This kind of stress can't be good for you or the baby. Do you have a level II ultrasound scheduled? If not, you should think about asking for one. It might put your mind at ease. They might even be able to determine exactly what the white spot is.
I've been thinking about you and baby- take care :)
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