I have just realized that up until now, I have not really worried about our baby's health.
Yes, I worried at the beginning when they asked me to come in for an ultrasound because of my blood work. And yes, I worry daily about doing all that I can during pregnancy to deliver the healthiest baby possible. And of course I worry that our child will be 100% healthy from now until she dies. You know, the built-in worries that come with the territory.
BUT these feelings of worry have not even touched the worry that I am having now. The kind that makes you lie awake at night and the kind that doesn't even make ice cream taste good. The worst kind. That one piece of news in our otherwise excitement-filled ultrasound, has sent me into a tailspin.
I wanted to post about something different today, but I would be lying if I told you that I was thinking about anything else at the moment.
I have been researching 'Isolated Echogenic Foci' since the moment we heard the news about the possible soft marker for Downs Syndrome on little one's heart. I have searched every possible site and combination of words and have even read all the stuff on pages '4, 5 and 6' of Google search (I mean, really, who goes past 1 or 2?)
Does anyone else feel as though the internet can be a blessing a curse?
I feel as if I could write an entire book about Echogenic Foci and it's results, where as 4 days ago I had never even heard of the term. The abundance of information is nice, but it's that same abundance that makes me even crazier. Each story, discussion, medical journal, etc. gives conflicting information. Some overwhelming positive in our favor of a healthy baby and others not so much.
I know in my heart that no amount of medical research (good or bad) can ease my mind until I am holding our little girl in my arms so I wish that I could just STOP the insanity now. We will love her with or without any abnormality; I suppose it's just fear of the unknown that scares me the most.
And yes, now would be the perfect time to put things into God's hands completely. Why is this always so much easier said than done?
Anyways, I am excited to get back to searching the internet for stroller reviews, crib bedding and the like rather than medical journals and articles for statistics. What an awful feeling.